a quest for something real

you know that feeling. the one you get only once in a lifetime . the realization that you have something amazing , incredible, infinite, tangible yet invisible, its absolute extacy in the sudden realization that you have exactly what you need right in front of you. it takes your breath away , yet fills your lungs with refreshing air. its honestly not describable. an anomaly to human emotion. yet you feel it harder than you have ever felt anything. im not going to tell you exactly what it is , whats the fun in spoiling the surprise for others. but i feel the need to write about it so i will never forget this feeling.

a few hours ago i was in horrible pain, i was furious, nervous, and baffled. i suddenly realized that this feeling should and will not be left alone and ignored. because as bad as it felt i knew that if i dissected this feeling and found what was making it tick, that one of two things would happen. one, i would be pissed off and absurdly depressed for the next lifetime or, it would be utter bliss...

my morals control my life , "you were raised right josh." once again i decided to take matters into my own hands, like i did the last time with _______ . in that moment every negative fantasy took over and i was enraged, but i am my own person , and i know how to be civil.

this situation drove me to be exactly what you needed , and exactly what i needed from you. realization, acceptance, and the creation of a deeper connection. if this sounds like a confession, well ... it kind of is , but that is already understood. i was really hurt, the same or almost the same as you were, so naturally you understood my actions. i was so close... so close to walking away and demanding you to never speak to me or about me ever again. but i couldnt move, your actions have me so afraid ... for you. if anyone knows this feeling, the feeling of flight or fight in its truest form, then whomever is causing this feeling must be closer to you then anyone. in mind , in heart, and in spirit. i personally decided that i cannot walk out on this person, this person needs me , and i need this person.
"THIS" is not stable, "THIS" is not permanent, it can change. i can walk away , and so can you.
"that is exactly how it needs to be, exactly how i want it to be. if its not like that then we cant grow , we will stay the same."



The feeling im talking about. That "bliss". That once in a lifetime experience. It happen the second i sat down next to you , and it increased ten fold when i looked at you and realized we both had tears in our eyes... i dont know if you felt it too. but its okay if you didnt. this is a bond my friend , and like you said "there arent many of us out there" well the same can be said about this bond.





i will now begin to speak of a person , a person that will be left anonymous. if you make the connection then so be it , but do not ask me about this situation. i will not speak of it with ANYONE aside from the person in question. because this is very personal. something that should forever be left between us. excluding some situations where an explanation is needed.

i have learned so much from you and i thank you from the deepest parts of my being for everything. i do feel a certain way. and i always will , and we both know why , unconditional right? im sorry if that causes problems sometimes , it will cause me problems too. i will try very hard to be accepting. as long as you are happy. "I need people like you in my life" this is a quote we both share. you taught me alot , and im pretty sure the favor was returned. your moralistic, in kind with me. we talk , we laugh , we argue, we create. "we" is how i want to keep it , and anything worth having isnt easy. if its easy it isnt real. that door in my perception of life, people, and all that i knew to be true was unlocked, open , and removed from its hinges by you. its like a dam holding back water, one of the locks was open , that was my reality and all i had learned for myself. you opened another lock, and by opening that lock i was able to open even more, so i could let the waters of enlightenment through to my ocean. the gathered reality that ive created thus far. And you keep opening more.

i know i can count on you. youve proven that.

you can count on me , "youve proven that tonight and last night"

so this is my thank you , and my card. if ever you need me ill be there.





sincerely yours truest: Joshua Andrew Emrie

the bird and the horse

wake up! yea im talking to you , your the only one here are you not? im not exactly asking you to wake from slumber, more of to open your eyes and wake the sleeping realization that Ive been flying around you for a very very long time. Ive stopped by several times over the years and preened just for you. Ive shown you what im made of and i know you have taken note and watched me when i found myself a "bird of feather". why cant we just say exactly how we feel without having doubts about the truth. so many things have told this little bird brain of mine that you want to fly too, but for some reason you can never follow through and get your hooves off the ground. Is it somthing im doing or not doing, because i would want nothing more than you dear horse. yea sure im a bird and your a horse... but weve been here together for so long. im not trying to shroud myself in mystery, everyone can see it. but you think youve got yourself hidden , you dont , i can see the tell tale signs of affection. i can see like a falcon, the things that you want. im just scared to fly right up and express everything to you dear horse. what if you get spooked, what if the trust disapears, these questions are normal to think about, but i want so badly to fly with you. grow your wings dear Pegasus, just test your limits, see if you can bear to fly with me and perhaps find that you really enjoy the feeling of vertigo. i can give you more than youve ever dreamed possible, im confident i can make you so very happy. fly with me dear horse, even if its not for certain that you will stay in this sky with me.

disappear.

( it was a song intended to be for someone in particular, but the more i read it the more i realize its somthing deeper than that.)




lets just disappear
and hold onto the want and need
to find ourselves



take everything away
just to find whats been
missing all along

its somthing that we both know
its somthing that should work in theory
so take care of all your momentary shit
and drop it all to find it all


ive never done this before
its never even been a thought
but now its all i think about

so push all plans and dreams aside
drop all your attachments
pull up the anchor and unfurl the sails
dont think about it like you know we both do
because that thought process
is going to hold us down
lets help the people we know best
by helping those we didnt know exist

lets just disappear
and hold onto the want and need
to find ourselves

just go on and take a chance
dont think about it just act...

i just want to disappear

i just want to disappear

i just want to disappear


lets just disappear
and hold on to this
gutwrenching desire to find ....
ourselves...

dear abby . by eric riggan, played by "a simple misunderstanding"

this is a song that eric riggan wrote, one or two years later we met up and began writing music together he played the guitar and i played harmonica. this one turned out to be one of our favorites


Dear Abby, dear Angie, dear Amber, or Amanda
or whatever your name happens to be,
I write you this letter as a sign of my devotion
to whatever might become of you and me
please tell me that I'm not just being optimistic
I've just got a lot of questions on my mind
but don't be scared, just read on: I don't think that I'm creepy
I just took to many hits back in my prime
I'm not being alruistic, there's just not much truth today
and it seems like the sky is getting darker with every passing day.

(Chorus)
I'm hoping that this letter finds you well enough to think about it.
I know it's kind of silly, but I promise that you won't regret it.
It's alright if this thing ends before it even starts
but be aware I'm out for one more girl to break my heart.

I'm funny, I'm sexy, I'm nice, and I'm in college
but don't let that put you off to me
don't be paranoid, I only stalked that one girl
for the money that she never gave to me
I'm not in over my head; the water's barely rising
forgive me if I lose my mind, but really is that so suprising
I'm hoping that this letter finds you well enough to think about it.
I know it's kind of silly, but I promise that you won't regret it.
It's alright if this thing ends before it even starts
but be aware I'm out for one more girl to break my heart.

live your life

be who you are and stick to what you are
because who you are is special and its who you should be
its in your biological makeup
and if you tend to change your perseptions and outlook
thats not wrong , if you feel , in your heart
(and trust me you will know if its real or not)
a change from what you are or what people believe you to be
dont question it
be happy with who you are and the actions you partake in
and if your judged for your actions
dont listen
unless of coarse the person judging you is directly affected
im not one to talk
i havent been honest
but
ive learned from passed on perseptions and i changed my life and how i led it
because i enjoyed the change , i wanted to be the person i changed into
but when the daily influence is taken away
so is the filter of your own perseptions
so what ive done is applied learned perseptions to my own
sure i do things that dont sound right in story
but who are you to judge if you arent there to experience me going about my daily life
who are you to judge if you dont ask me about my life and how it is
i maintain my perseptions and the perseptions i learned
ask me a question or have a conversation with me
if you knew me a year ago
our conversation will surprise you
the fact of the matter is
we change for others
peerpresure is a bitch
but we still hold true to our own morals and perseptions ,
if they are true in our hearts
be open minded and listen with full attention
to what others say about their life and their minds

im sorry that i have lied
but dont judge my lifestyle
if your not around to see how i lead my life

a little puzzle with a great meaning

not really a blog i just want to see if anyone can figure this out

14 15..12 9 13 9 19 18..14 15..2 15 20 14 4 1 17 9 5 18..15 14 12 24..15 2 18 19 1 3 12 5 18.

light, dark, white, black. Its your choice!

darkness, when put to color

black

light , when put to color

white



put yourself in a room
shut out all the light
its very easy to do
sit in this room
close your eyes
sit in this room
for five
open your eyes
...
there is no difference
vertigo ensues
no conciousness of depth
of width
of length
of distance
it could be endless
it could be confining
yours is the choice to make
but take this into account
if darkness is black
and light is white
they are then complete opposite
and also have the same effect
put yourself now
if such a thing is possible to do
in a room of white
complete
complete as the room of darkness
sit in this room of light
the same effects ensue
vertigo
no width
no length
no depth
but is such a thing so easy to do
anyone can blot out the light
leaving nothing but darkness
some towels under the door
a flick of a switch
and its done
complete darkness
how would someone create
the opposite
in theory it is possible
black and white
opposites
everything is nothing
nothing is everything
its very easy to create darkness
darkness that blots any signs
of anything else
light can do the same
its just not easy
so shut yourself in the dark
its very easy to do
my task is much harder
i intend to do both