a quest for something real

you know that feeling. the one you get only once in a lifetime . the realization that you have something amazing , incredible, infinite, tangible yet invisible, its absolute extacy in the sudden realization that you have exactly what you need right in front of you. it takes your breath away , yet fills your lungs with refreshing air. its honestly not describable. an anomaly to human emotion. yet you feel it harder than you have ever felt anything. im not going to tell you exactly what it is , whats the fun in spoiling the surprise for others. but i feel the need to write about it so i will never forget this feeling.

a few hours ago i was in horrible pain, i was furious, nervous, and baffled. i suddenly realized that this feeling should and will not be left alone and ignored. because as bad as it felt i knew that if i dissected this feeling and found what was making it tick, that one of two things would happen. one, i would be pissed off and absurdly depressed for the next lifetime or, it would be utter bliss...

my morals control my life , "you were raised right josh." once again i decided to take matters into my own hands, like i did the last time with _______ . in that moment every negative fantasy took over and i was enraged, but i am my own person , and i know how to be civil.

this situation drove me to be exactly what you needed , and exactly what i needed from you. realization, acceptance, and the creation of a deeper connection. if this sounds like a confession, well ... it kind of is , but that is already understood. i was really hurt, the same or almost the same as you were, so naturally you understood my actions. i was so close... so close to walking away and demanding you to never speak to me or about me ever again. but i couldnt move, your actions have me so afraid ... for you. if anyone knows this feeling, the feeling of flight or fight in its truest form, then whomever is causing this feeling must be closer to you then anyone. in mind , in heart, and in spirit. i personally decided that i cannot walk out on this person, this person needs me , and i need this person.
"THIS" is not stable, "THIS" is not permanent, it can change. i can walk away , and so can you.
"that is exactly how it needs to be, exactly how i want it to be. if its not like that then we cant grow , we will stay the same."



The feeling im talking about. That "bliss". That once in a lifetime experience. It happen the second i sat down next to you , and it increased ten fold when i looked at you and realized we both had tears in our eyes... i dont know if you felt it too. but its okay if you didnt. this is a bond my friend , and like you said "there arent many of us out there" well the same can be said about this bond.





i will now begin to speak of a person , a person that will be left anonymous. if you make the connection then so be it , but do not ask me about this situation. i will not speak of it with ANYONE aside from the person in question. because this is very personal. something that should forever be left between us. excluding some situations where an explanation is needed.

i have learned so much from you and i thank you from the deepest parts of my being for everything. i do feel a certain way. and i always will , and we both know why , unconditional right? im sorry if that causes problems sometimes , it will cause me problems too. i will try very hard to be accepting. as long as you are happy. "I need people like you in my life" this is a quote we both share. you taught me alot , and im pretty sure the favor was returned. your moralistic, in kind with me. we talk , we laugh , we argue, we create. "we" is how i want to keep it , and anything worth having isnt easy. if its easy it isnt real. that door in my perception of life, people, and all that i knew to be true was unlocked, open , and removed from its hinges by you. its like a dam holding back water, one of the locks was open , that was my reality and all i had learned for myself. you opened another lock, and by opening that lock i was able to open even more, so i could let the waters of enlightenment through to my ocean. the gathered reality that ive created thus far. And you keep opening more.

i know i can count on you. youve proven that.

you can count on me , "youve proven that tonight and last night"

so this is my thank you , and my card. if ever you need me ill be there.





sincerely yours truest: Joshua Andrew Emrie

the bird and the horse

wake up! yea im talking to you , your the only one here are you not? im not exactly asking you to wake from slumber, more of to open your eyes and wake the sleeping realization that Ive been flying around you for a very very long time. Ive stopped by several times over the years and preened just for you. Ive shown you what im made of and i know you have taken note and watched me when i found myself a "bird of feather". why cant we just say exactly how we feel without having doubts about the truth. so many things have told this little bird brain of mine that you want to fly too, but for some reason you can never follow through and get your hooves off the ground. Is it somthing im doing or not doing, because i would want nothing more than you dear horse. yea sure im a bird and your a horse... but weve been here together for so long. im not trying to shroud myself in mystery, everyone can see it. but you think youve got yourself hidden , you dont , i can see the tell tale signs of affection. i can see like a falcon, the things that you want. im just scared to fly right up and express everything to you dear horse. what if you get spooked, what if the trust disapears, these questions are normal to think about, but i want so badly to fly with you. grow your wings dear Pegasus, just test your limits, see if you can bear to fly with me and perhaps find that you really enjoy the feeling of vertigo. i can give you more than youve ever dreamed possible, im confident i can make you so very happy. fly with me dear horse, even if its not for certain that you will stay in this sky with me.